| It's just tiring... | ||||
| 07:21am 19/12/2006 | ||||
But at this point, I just feel like I want to lay down and not get back up. I miss my kids horribly, feel like very little in my life's going right (certainly nothing's actually stable right now), and it's only a matter of time till something awful happens. Could be at the custody hearing. Could be before. Could be after. ::shrugs:: When so many things have gone wrong, its tough not to think that more's on the way...and the horrible thing is that I KNOW that this mindset is unhealthy, and likely just contributing to things not turning out well. Which basically means I feel pretty detached from everything around me. Like a spectator watching things go by and trying hard to care, but unable to do so from being gun shy from getting hurt too often. It's a rotten self defense method, but it seems to be the one that I've fallen into... With any luck getting the kids on Friday and doing the whole Christmas thing will help snap me out of it. 'Cause if it doesn't, I don't know what will. |
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apathetic| Odd kinda guilty | |||
| 10:18pm 12/12/2006 | |||
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So... Most everyone else around me has been sick on, off or constantly for the last few months (or so it seems). Me? I don't so much get sick...had a vaguely blue feeling from time to time, but that's understandable under the circumstances, I suspect... The funny thing is that I feel kinda guilty about my good fortune in this regard...I mean, there's no reason for it. I haven't been eating well...I haven't been going to the gym regularly over the last month at least, and I've certainly not been taking vitamins or anything like that. But here I am, healthy and just sorta rockin' along while everyone has a variety of health issues around me. Strange. I'm just as glad for the distraction, really...God knows that there are less productive avenues for my brain to wander down right now... In fact, look, there it goes. ::sigh:: |
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| Bask in my seduction... | |||
| 09:18am 05/12/2006 | |||
Or somthing... |
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| Figures | |||
| 10:39am 30/11/2006 | |||
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Pooh's lawyer pulled yet another no show. We're going to court. |
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| A very good year indeed (stolen from Halo) | |||
| 06:24am 29/11/2006 | |||
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Go to the link on Halo's page and find the most requested songs from the year of your 18th birthday. Strike the ones you hated, bold the ones you loved. Leave the ones you don't know or didn't care about one way or another alone. 1992 Greatest Hits 1. Too Legit To Quit - Hammer (hahah just kidding..) Real # 1. Baby Got Back - Sir Mixx-A-Lott 2. I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred 3. End Of The Road - Boys II Men 4. Move This - Technotronic 5. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen (bigger hit as a reissue) 6. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana 8. Come As You Are - Nirvana 9. Jump Around - House Of Pain 11. Twilight Zone - 2 Unlimited 12. Mysterious Ways - U2 13. Boot Scootin' Boogie - Brooks & Dunn 14. November Rain - Guns N Roses 16. Lithium - Nirvana 17. Rump Shaker - Wreckx-N-Effect 18. Masterpiece - Atlantic Starr 20. Caribbean Blue - Enya 21. Baby Baby Baby - TLC 22. Finally - CeCe Peniston 23. Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough - Patty Smyth & Don Henley 24. Mr. Loverman - Shabba Ranks 25. If I Ever fall In Love - Shai 26. Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me - Elton John & George Michael 27. To be With You - Mr. Big 28. Always Tomorrow - Gloria Estefan 29. Tears In Heaven - Eric Clapton 30. The Hitman - AB Logic 31. One - U2 32. Give It Away - Red Hot Chili Peppers 33. Life Is A Highway - Tom Cochrane 34. Even Better Than The Real Thing - U2 35. Beauty and The Beast - Peabo Bryson & Celine Dion 36. Everybody'd Free (To Feel Good) - Rozalla 37. Trashy Women - Confederate Railroad 38. These Are Days - 10,000 Maniacs 40. How Do You Talk To An Angel - The Heights 41. Sexy M.F. - Prince (& The New Power Generation) 42. Remember The Time - Michael Jackson 43. Layla (Unplugged) - Eric Clapton 44. Jump! - The Movement 46. Nothing Else Matters - Metallica 47. Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers 48. Bang Bang - David Sanborn 50. Little Miss Can't Be Wrong - The Spin Doctors 52. Right Now - Van Halen 53. Friday I'm In Love - The Cure 54. Scenerio - A Tribe Called Quest 56. Constant Craving - k.d. lang 57. My Lovin (You're Never Gonna Get It) - En Vogue 58. Hazard - Richard Marx 59. Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover - Sophie B. Hawkins 60. Am I The Same Girl - Swing Out Sister 62. 57 Channels (and nothin' on) - Bruce Springsteen 63. This Used To Be My Playground - Madonna 64. Symphony of Destruction - Megadeth 65. I Love Your Smile - Shanice 66. I Wanna Rock - Luke 67. Free Your Mind - En Vogue 68. Keep It Comin' (Dance Till You Can't Dance No More) - C+C Music Factory 69. The One - Elton John 70. Galileo - Indigo Girls 71. Just Another Day - Jon Secada 72. Juice (know the ledge) - Eric B. & Rakim 73. Tennessee - Arrested Development 74. Take A Chance On Me - Erasure All in all, not a bad list...some of my favorite songs ever are from when I was 18...guess it's true: Change is bad. |
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| And a quick update | ||||
| 10:53am 28/11/2006 | ||||
I feel like unless the custody that I said was the minimum I'd accept is part of what they're talking about, they really don't, since I'm pretty sure I can get what I'm asking for (simple 50/50 physical and legal custody) in court. I'm not the one that filed phony paperwork claiming abuse. I'm not the one that makes up stories about the other parent and tells them to the kids. I'm not the one that's shown themselves to be a flight risk. I'm not the one that does everything they can to shut the other parent out of the children's lives. I'm not the one that's refusing to even allow phone calls to go through to the kids from the other parent. I'm not the one that's now forced the other parent to not see the kids for longer than 2 weeks twice since this whole process started. I AM the one that's willing to sit on the stand and be cross examined about anything that's happened...or to talk to social workers about it...or anyone else, for that matter. As painful as things are in the short term, in the long term, I KNOW I'll win. Being right, and having the truth on your side is oddly liberating in that sense. |
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pissed off| So it goes. | ||||
| 06:03am 28/11/2006 | ||||
Which means I have my answer. Time to get the cash together and go down and file the motion for custody, then hold my breath to see what the judge says. |
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| Here we go again... | |||
| 06:30am 27/11/2006 | |||
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Pooh is supposed to meet with her lawyer today (and this time she means it!) to give him a final answer on the custody issue. 9:30. At this point, I'm pretty resigned towards the fact that I know what the answer is... There's no such thing as good news, after all. |
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| Meh | ||||
| 06:08am 21/11/2006 | ||||
Not sure why...not sure what to do about it. I know I'm tired (not really in the sleepy way)...getting lead around by my nose on the whole custody thing is exhausting me. I want an answer so I can move on to the next thing that I need to do, but I can't get that because Pooh refuses to give an answer on custoday (which means that it's 99% likely that we'll be going to court, since no answer is the same as a "no" as far as I'm concerned). I'm irritating the people around me, I'm cranky and moderately depressed, and it's starting to get to me... I'm in a rut, and I need to find a way out of it...just not sure exactly how to do that. ::shrug:: I have so few answers that it's really amazing that I known anything at this point. I know how I feel. I know what's important to me. Beyond that...I just don't know. And I'm not sure I care anymore. |
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uncomfortable| The shoe is suspended... | ||||
| 05:42am 09/11/2006 | ||||
The house is coming along nicely...check out Halo's Flickr account for the details on that... I should have word by the 15th on whether or not Pooh has decided to give me the 50/50 custody that I've asked for on GEM and LAM...if not then I go to court, but really, I was expecting to do that already. I get the kids for this weekend, in any case. Generally, things are looking up...I refuse to allow the other shoe to drop. To review: I want three things...got one already, now the other two appear to be possible. Just need to focus on the positive and not obsess over things when something doesn't go well...goes against my nature, but trying new things is good for you, right? |
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| I'm full of personality too! | ||||||||||||||||||
| 07:48am 02/11/2006 | ||||||||||||||||||
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Lifted from Derth... My Personality
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| ...Am I THAT transparent? | |||||||||||||||||||||
| 07:07am 02/11/2006 | |||||||||||||||||||||
Lifted courtesy of largo...
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| Moved | ||||
| 08:32am 30/10/2006 | ||||
I'm in a house with a not-quite-new room mate who I actually get along with (novel concept). My kids are still living with their mom, but that's being worked on. And so much of my life is uncertain that I can barely stand it. I kept telling myself I only really want 3 things in my life...I got one of them. Now I want the other 2...and the bad thing is that if I don't manage to get either of them, it's one of those soul-crushing experiences that are tough to get around. ::sigh:: Time to keep on keepin' on and see where things fall. One foot in front of the other, right? It's all I've got. |
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scared| Just let me give you my money... | |||
| 07:35am 19/10/2006 | |||
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So...bad credit apparently also makes it tough to rent an apartment. Who knew? 2 different places have come back and said that I don't meet their credit creteria...the funny thing is that I have always made sure that rent is paid on time, regardless of what other bills I let slide to do it... ::sigh:: Ya can't win for losin' sometimes. So the search continues...something's gotta give eventually... |
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| Court | ||||
| 06:07am 12/10/2006 | ||||
I have nothing else left...they're it. If this goes badly, I have no idea what I'll do. It's gotten to the point that I feel like nothing will ever make sense again. I want very few things in life...I really do. But more and more it looks like the things I want, I'm not going to be able to have...whether it's what's best for me, best for the situation or right overall. ::shrug:: I'm so tense and stressed out that I'm barely functional. And I'm terrified. Did I mention that? I'm not used to not being able to be in control of myself. Not used to not being the one that other people have to be there to support. I think about how beaten up I am, and I hate it. But the bedrock of my life is my kids...and through a dirty trick, I've been cut off from them. I wanted to keep things civil. I wanted to not have nastiness enter into things. I wanted the divorce to be amiable. Instead I get this done to me...unforgivable. Plain and simple. Now I'm gonna go back to work...not because it matters (not much really does at this point...got nothing to hold onto)...mostly because it's something to do. |
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tired| The day that is... | |||
| 11:55am 24/08/2006 | |||
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LAM starts kindergarten on Tuesday... Things on the home front are...trying. And all I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up. Sometimes it's not worth chewing through the restraints, ya know? |
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| Updated yet again | |||
| 10:47am 04/08/2006 | |||
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Why is it that I don't ever update this thing with happy thoughts. Talked to my mom last night again...Pop Pop has had a catheter put in...the doctors don't think he'll be getting better ever again. Time to schedule that visit before its too late...sounds like this is the real thing. |
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| Stop this crazy thing... | |||
| 11:44am 24/07/2006 | |||
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Okay...life is horrible...like legitimately terrible. And on top of that, the internet at home just isn't working... 'Cause why not? It's becoming clear that things can't stay the way that they've been. It's becoming clear that it's not going to end the way I was hoping. It's becoming clear that the only possible outcomes that would end with any modicum of happiness and sanity for me aren't going to happen. It's becoming clear that I'm going to be feeling like this for a long, long time, and if there's a light at the end of the tunnel, it's a train. |
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| *sigh* | |||
| 06:56am 20/07/2006 | |||
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Life sucks...then it doesn't...then it does. Getting used to feeling like this again...my dad would be proud. |
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| Ouch... | ||||
| 09:48am 17/07/2006 | ||||
Seems that he's in a lot of pain...has been slowly degenerating for years now and at this point it's questionable whether or not keeping him alive is doing anyone any favors. I don't even know where to begin about this. See, Pop Pop was always sorta that gruff Archie Bunker type in my mind: he used to be very grumpy, opinionated, and generally cantankerous...but under it all he'd give you the shirt off of his back. He used vile racial epithets, but was the first one to help the black family across the street when they had car trouble...making sure that their car ran so they could get their kids to school, and so that they could get back and forth to work. He called a lot of his grandchildren "Little Monsters", but I've rarely seen someone's face light up as much as his did when we'd visit. He and Mom Mom would constantly bicker at each other, but they've been together for 50 years or so...so something in that realtionship must have stood the test of time...something in there might have worked. He's had a lot of close calls before...after all, the man's no spring chicken. What makes this time different is that I don't think that I've ever heard a story that made me think that his long illness and the help he needs is taking a large toll on Mom Mom...and that she sounds tired. Very tired. That concept is eating me up inside. I don't get to see her very often, but I know that no matter what happens...no matter what else is going on in my life, my grandmother is there for me in a way that no one else ever has been, and likely that no one else ever will be. I hear that Pop Pop is doing badly, and I know what the statistics say about partners dying in relationships that have lasted as long as theirs has: 80% of the 2nd partners will end up dying within a year. Mom Mom has already suffered a stroke. She's stubborn...won't go to the doctor unless someone forces her. She's not perfect...she's never claimed to be. What she IS...she's Mom Mom. She had as big a hand in raising me as my mother did. She's the voice that I hear in my head that helps to pick me up. She's the one that encourages me to do better. The one that pushes me to do what I need to do, regardless of what it means. She's Mom Mom...and in a lot of ways, she made me who I've turned into...and I'm terrified that she's about to leave me, and I'm too far away to try to help. I hate feeling powerless...but it's a feeling I've had more and more often over the last little bit. |
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orklad |
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